Big Ned

We’ve all had the visions: you’re running, but too slow, and the Big Bad Thing is going to catch you and eat you.

The big bad thing is called Big Ned, he got really big by eating all the souls, and the church of Big Ned are firmly split between the Fatalists and the Appetisers. Like any good family, though, they’ll stop squabbling long enough to deal with outsiders who criticise them.

The Fatalists take the view that Ned is so big and orrible, there’s not much to be done. Shrug, and enjoy this life before you get eaten in the next one. You could try to struggle, but even if you catch and eat a soul while hiding from Ned, he’ll have absently guzzled a score while he looked for you. Given how depressing that is, Fatalists prescribe as much revelry as possible in this life, and aren’t worried too much about consequences.

The Appetisers share the same view about struggling, but they split from the main church a few generations ago over the belief that Ned takes his time eating you unless you’re tasty enough to swallow in one gulp. Naturally, it follows that you should spent this life making yourself as delicious as possible to avoid being too thoroughly chewed in the next. Followers of the Appetiser sect (or ‘Appertifs’) are buried medium-rare, and the bodies salted. More wealthy members tend towards obesity and being buried in ornate silver coffins after cooking. At extremes, they may only eat a certain few foods and repeat certain vices or virtues, in order to lend a distinctive flavour to their soul.

A good proportion of Neddists are drunk or passed out at any given time, so they’ve not gained much traction in the political sphere. As a magnet for fatalists, nihilists, and hedonists, the main function of the Neddists (from other religions’ point of view) are to soak up the more volatile members of society and keep them too wasted to do anything but argue. If they ever gained power, they’d probably argue for compulsory partying, followed by abolition of all laws, followed by arguing, fighting, then probably a kebab on the way home.

Big Ned

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